The Bond With My Child Is Not Born By Having The Same Blood: It Comes From The Soul
The bond with the children does not exist because we are of the same blood or because of the genetic code that places us in the same family tree.
Many of our readers who performed the wonderful act of adoption will understand, without a doubt, that not having carried their baby in their own womb does not make that baby less of a child, does not make it less worthy of being loved.
Because love is not created. First of all, love is built and this is how we legitimize ourselves as parents, being sensible in upbringing and education, being close to our children, being skilful and respectful with this little life that, without a doubt, deserves everything.
In turn, and no less important, it is worth remembering that building a bond with our little ones is essential to establish the foundations of this psychic and emotional architecture that is self-esteem.
A healthy, strong and secure bond is like an alliance of affections, in which we are the first references, the special people who will help children to be part of the world and feel worthy of love.
In I’m Mom we talk a little about this.
Our bond: I love you for who you are, not for what you do
We love our children simply because they are them. We love the way they breathe and those eyes we see ourselves reflected in every day.
We care for them because we feel they are an indispensable part of our heart, a beautiful part of our lives, the most perfect being that inhabits this world and that we would give anything for.
That’s how you understand this real and unconditional love, the one that will never say to a child “if you make a mistake, mommy won’t love you anymore” or “as you keep acting like that, I’ll love you less than I love your brother” .
This kind of phrases and educational approach hurt and leave aftereffects. This is not the way to build a worthy bond, in which we are deserving of our children.
The bond created with our parents is something that always defines us
Let’s do a little act of reflection, of self-analysis. How is the bond we build with our parents?
Did they make us feel safe? Did they offer us security and the feeling that we were important? What did we deserve the best of? That we were worthy of getting what we wanted?
As curious as it may seem, this is usually the main problem that people have throughout life: realizing that something was wrong in the foundations of our upbringing, noticing that there are loose stitches in this seam that was our self-esteem as children.
That’s why, when we become mothers, when we become fathers, we reflect deeply on this bond we had – and still have with our parents – to tell ourselves that we will do better than them.
The kind of bond I will have with my child will be safe, strong and will come from my soul
The authentic bond between a mother and her child, between a baby and her father, is like an umbilical cord through which the nourishment of affection, consideration, care, dedication and the most nourishing love is transmitted.
However, and we must be aware of this, not always “for a lot of love we act correctly”. In other words, it is not enough to love a child to offer a strong and secure bond, it is necessary to do it the best way possible.
Therefore, it is interesting to recall here the work of Mary Ainsworth, an American psychologist and collaborator in John Bowlby’s studies on attachment, who distinguished three types of bonds. They are as follows:
the secure bond
In a secure bond, parents know how to meet the child’s needs, so that they realize early on that they will always be available and that they will know how to act in the face of every difficulty, every fear, every doubt.
In this type of bond, trust and respectful interaction prevail, above all, in which the child feels safe to mature, to do things for himself, to be more and more autonomous by feeling always supported.
the insecure bond
In this case, the parents practice detachment, in which the little one does not feel connected with his parents, in which fear and doubt arise.
In this type of bond, needs are not met and little by little the little ones understand that they will not be helped because there is no real closeness.
the anxious bond
We said earlier that sometimes “to love a lot is not to act correctly” and here we have, for example, the bases of this toxic upbringing in which the child’s autonomy is restricted, in which excessive protection hinders growth opportunities.
There is mutual dependence between parents and children. An irrational attachment, in which there is no trust and everything is confused.
The child may be afraid of being reprimanded when starting something alone, and parents do not offer tools for autonomy.
It is an insecure bond that, without a doubt, we must avoid in order to focus only on this relationship and on the upbringing that will allow the child to build good self-esteem, which will unite us intensely, while respecting the spaces for growth and opportunity.
Let us, therefore, cultivate this love that is born of the soul and that knows how to set children free when the time comes.
