Toxic Shame In Children: How Does It Develop?
You have certainly felt embarrassed on many occasions. This is something normal that makes us feel a certain sadness when our faults are exposed, for example, when speaking in public and making mistakes, when tripping and falling, etc. But this can turn into a toxic shame for children if they associate it with fear from an early age.
The shame itself is not bad. It is even positive that it is felt by children to transform inappropriate behaviors into acceptable ones. But what happens if we punish the little ones right after a situation where they feel ashamed? How do children develop toxic shame? Next, we’ll answer these questions.
Shame, a tool for children’s learning
Shame is a feeling that helps us change the inappropriate behaviors or aspects we have for better ones. It is an acquired cultural behavior that helps many young people to relate to the community.
Different cultures cause us to behave differently, as what may be well regarded in one culture may not be well regarded in another. Therefore, it is the behaviors that activate the shame, it is they that change from one place to another, but not the feeling, as this is universal.
It is totally normal for a child to feel ashamed at times, as this will help them to get along with other people. Furthermore, shame will be negatively reinforced when a social norm is not met.
What happens if the parents punish the child after a situation in which the child was embarrassed?
In these cases, the child can associate this feeling of shame with fear, which makes learning difficult and makes them feel imperfect and alone. The two emotions together will make the child feel misunderstood and not good enough.
Therefore, it is important to always try to correct through kindness and tenderness, so that the child acquires the teaching and does not associate this feeling with anything bad. Thus, he will continue to feel that he is a good person and that mistakes can be corrected, without, because of that, he is of less value than someone else.
Why do children develop toxic shame?
If for every mistake or inappropriate behavior the child receives a punishment, he may end up developing toxic shame. This can cause this feeling to end up affecting your self-esteem and self-confidence and therefore your life will also be affected.
How do we transmit toxic shame to our children? There is no single form, that is, it can be transmitted in different ways. The most frequent is when we are in a public place and our child starts to tantrum, making us feel embarrassed and, right then, we reprimand him. The reason for the tantrum is no longer important and the child will only feel shame.
If that happens, the best thing to do is talk to her and explain the reason for the situation, something that shouldn’t have negative consequences. We all learn from mistakes and mistakes, and children too.
How can we avoid toxic shame in children?
Here, it is important for parents to work on their feelings and emotions. We must be aware of what shames us in order to try to resolve this situation in this way. As we know, children imitate their parents’ behavior. So, to try to prevent toxic shame from being passed on to your children, you need to keep these tips in mind:
Avoiding punishments and reprimands
If we want a child to change his behavior, we must channel that impulse and show empathy. In this way, the child will be able to differentiate between what is correct and what is inappropriate, without resorting to punishment.
Always educate with positive limits
When we set positive limits, a child’s brain tends to control impulses and develop the connections necessary to control itself. The more understanding we show, the better it will accept the limit to channel these impulses. On the contrary, if criticized, she will resist controlling herself.
Be an example of the behavior you want to instill in your children
We all know that parents are their children’s main role models. They naturally accept that everything parents do is right. But if they are going to do something that is not done at home, they will resist. So remember that if we scream, they’ll scream too.
Talk about any subject in a natural way and always avoid taboos
If we don’t speak naturally at home, children will keep secrets from us and that will cause shame. We often hide things that aren’t verbalized or that we feel aren’t right, and that does even more damage. Therefore, we should always speak naturally about anything, so that it does not end up becoming taboo.
Avoiding Toxic Shame in Children
So, as you can see, toxic shame in children can cause insecurities, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, among other problems.
Now that you know what it is and how we can prevent children from developing it, you can put into practice some of the tips we’ve seen here to prevent it from passing from one generation to the next.
